World Famous Advice from Margo Kelly
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Smell Test
Dear Margo,
I have been feeling very bad about myself lately. I think it has something to do with the fact that I smell and people seem to notice. I don’t know where the smell is coming from because I can’t smell myself. How can I find out without drawing attention to myself? Please help.
Smelly
Dear Smelly,
This sounds too easy but I will tell you what to do. Shave off all your hair. If you get the same reaction … It was not your hair. Tape you mouth shut. If you get the same reaction it’s not your breath. Bleach your armpits. If you get the same reaction, then kiss your smelly ass goodbye!
The Green Monster
Dear Margo,
I am a teen idol rock star. I have an identical twin sister…quite a bit older then me. She has been a famous advice columnist for quite a long time, however, now she wants to be a movie star and I recently found out that she is going to be staring in a brand new Soap opera….Mainly about her. I am wrought with envy and jealousy. She is clearly the most talented of us and she is very very smart. I feel like no matter how famous I am….she will always be more. Any advice?
Identical Twin Teen Idol Pop Star
Dear Identical Twin Teen Idol Pop Star,
Maybe your identical older twin sister is secretly jealous and envies you and that is why she is trying to out do you. If I were you….I would slip away in the back ground for…say a couple of years and let her shine. After the fame and fortune set in she will forget all about you and you never have to feel threatened again
Everyone Wants to be Me
Dear Margo,
I just want to congratulate you on your new upcoming soap opera. I think you will be a huge success. The question I have is…. How can I become you?
A Margo Wannabee
Dear Margo Wannabee,
You have to get rid of Margonna my identical twin pop idol sister. She is obviously trying to be me too!! Get rid of your competition first!!
Birds of a Feather
Dear Margo,
I have a parakeet who is always making rude remarks to my friends when they come over. The latest was the most disturbing. He called my boss a stupid no good idiot loser…but then he called my boss by his name. I tried to explain it was an accident but my stupid idiot boss did not believe I had nothing to do with it. What should I do?
Perplexed
Dear Perplexed,
….get rid of the bird. He is clearly too smart for the both of you.
A Day to Give Thanks
Dear Margo,
It is soon to be Thanksgiving and I have no idea what I should be thankful for. I lost my stupid job, my dog ran away, my husband is in the hospital having his appendix taken out and my kids have all grown and moved away and are having Thanksgiving with their families and I am stuck here alone without anyone. I am trying to be thankful, but I am so miserable and disappointed in my life that I can’t find a thing to feel thankful for. HELP!
Miserable
Dear Miserable,
I think you should be thankful you don’t have a stupid job anymore and now your free to find a smart job. AND you don’t have to pick up anymore dog doo doo and think of the money you will save on vet bills!! And this year you can finally have a Thanksgiving where you don’t have to wait on your husband while he screams obscenities watching the game. The fact that your children didn’t drag themselves and their kids to your house to raid all of your food (and since you don’t have a job you can’t afford it) and leave you a huge mess is Thanksgiving enough. BUT that is not all…..be thankful your husband didn’t die before you got a chance to get life insurance or a higher policy! See how much you have to be thankful for? I hope that helped. I know it helped me….this Thanksgiving I am grateful I am not you!!
No Dieting Blues
Dear Margo,
Every year at this time I start to put on few pounds. The food is everywhere I look and I can’t seem to resist the holiday delicacies. I don’t want to gain more weight and struggle all over again, but I feel like it is too difficult to avoid. What can I do?
Holiday Flab
Dear Holiday Flab,
I know what you mean. I think many people find the same problems avoiding the high fat and sugary foods that come along with the Holidays. I find the best way to stay fit is to isolate yourself during the Holidays and don’t ays and don’t celebrate a thing. Before you know it you it will be the New Year and you can be really thankful you’re not fatter. Then you can call that your Thanksgiving day….and go buy yourself something nice to wear for being so good. That will be your Christmas present. Now you have just managed to take Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years and roll them all into one day!! HOW MUCH damage can you do in one day!! Enjoy your Holidays.
Turkey Anyone?
Dear Margo,
I was invited to my new in laws for Thanksgiving, but they served the regular thanksgiving feast. Turkey. I am a vegetarian and had plenty of other foods to enjoy. However, they were continually trying to get me to eat the turkey and I didn’t want to offend them but I would have thrown up at the table if I had even allowed myself to think of it. I explained that I had a very serious problem with eating meat or foul of any kind and I was afraid I would get ill. I don’t think they believe me and NOW they think I am rude and insensitive to them. I don’t know what to do.
Sick of Turkey
Dear Sick of Turkey,
I think you should go back to their house….bring a turkey….offer up your apologies….eat as much of it as you can in front of them (AT THEIR TABLE) until you PUKE! Then get up and ask them if they would like to pass the turkey. Tell them you are willing to try it once again for their sakes. I think that will help you out for years to come. They will never ask you to try any turkey or meat again.
No Time to Talk
Dear Margo,
This year for Thanksgiving I wanted to have everyone at the table say out loud what they are thankful for. We went around the table and each person took about a minute to state their gratitude. All but one. My daughter invited her new boyfriend over for Thanksgiving and he went on and on and on and on and on about what he was thankful for. Everyone just wanted to EAT and he wouldn’t shut up!! Well….my husband finally interrupted him and said….”My turn…I am thankful. I interrupted you so we can finally eat! Someone pass me that Turkey!!” Well, the poor look on this young mans face was so sad, but at the same time he really wouldn’t shut up. I mean he went on and on and on repeating the same things using different words and saying it in a different way each time. It was as if he couldn’t control himself. What could we have done to keep him quite besides being rude and to the point?
Thankful He Shut Up
Dear Thankful He Shut Up,
Tell me, do you normally go on and on and on and on when you are telling a story!!! Sheesh! Is it Christmas yet?!?!?! I can’t answer your question because you took up all my time! TRY AGAIN NEXT YEAR.
Big Gossip
Dear Margo,
I have a friend who is a big gossip. She talks behind everyone’s back including mine. Should I tell her what others are saying about her? OR keep my mouth shut?
To Tell or Not to Tell
Dear To tell or Not to Tell,
Has she said anything about me? Ask her what she thinks about me?
Dream or Nightmare?
Dear Margo,
Last night I discovered I was thin, beautiful and smart! However, I woke up and realized it was all just a dream. I am really still fat, ugly and stupid. What can I do about it?
Dreamer
Dear Dreamer,
Don’t be disturbed about your dream. Clearly it was not your own reflection you were looking at. It was mine. They say when we dream about ourselves it’s really about someone else. Not to worry…I am still thin beautiful and smart. I haven’t changed a bit….all is well that ends well.
Sisterly Love
Dear Margo,
I have a sister who is in prison for impersonating herself. She is a world advice columnist who is trying to raise money for a very worthy cause. She has not raised any money worth speaking of and I am afraid she will never get out of prison. I am writing a special song and will be performing it to help raise money. In the meantime what can I do to help her?
Margonna
Dear Margonna,
That is so weird…I am a world advice columnist too! AND I am in prison for impersonating myself TOO! AND GET THIS!!!!! I am trying to raise money for a worthy cause as well. AND I have a twin sister named Margonna too! She is a teen pop idol and trying to raise money to get me out of prison. She hasn’t raised much money for me yet either. If I didn’t know better I would think we’re related. Tell your sister what I tell mine. “Dear, if you don’t get me out of here I am going to kill you!” That’s prison talk for I love you.
Its Not Rocket Science
Dear Margo,
I am scientist (rocket) and every time I tell someone what I do they raise an eyebrow at me. Why would anyone lie about what they do? How can I get people to take me at face value?
Not Taken Seriously
Dear Not Taken Seriously,
I know what you mean. I too am not always taken seriously. I am a Goddess, but every time I tell someone they raise an eyebrow too. The weird thing is……everyone knows it and yet so many people like to act stupid as if they didn’t know. I believe you are a rocket scientist totally.
Get It?
Dear Margo,
I want to be a cowboy but I am petrified of horses. I want to go parachuting but I am afraid of heights. I want to win the Oscar but I can’t act. I want to be a father but I hate kids. It’s as if everything I want is hard to obtain. What’s wrong with me?
Never Getting What I Want
Dear Never Getting What I Want,
I really don’t want to respond to you.
Sister to Sister
Dear Margo,
My oldest sister is always trying to one up me, you know the type. If I said I just found a dress on sale for ½ off she would say she found one 75% off. I can’t stand it when she does this. I am tempted to stop telling her things so I don’t have to hear her come backs, but I don’t want to feel like I can’t share with her my good news. What can I do?
One Upped
Dear One Upped,
I know what you mean. My sister is the same way but worse. Not only does she always have something better to report when I share good news, but she always has something worse to report when I have bad news. My sister is WAY worse than YOURS!
Will the Real Diva Please Stand Up…
Dear Margo,
My mom thinks she is a teen idol. This is a total embarrassment to me. She is very crazy and obsessed with herself. She suffers from feelings of grandeur. Clearly, I am the only one who really matters or who people are fascinated with. Why? Because I am a diva and my mother is trying to steal the spot light. What can I do to take the spot light back to its rightful owner?
Teen Diva….the real one
Dear Teen Diva,
I have no idea who you are….but clearly you’re confused.
Variety…the Spice of Life
Dear Margo,
I think you are the most sensitive and most talented wise columnist I have ever come across. I find your advice to be well thought out and truly amazing. That is why I choose you to turn to for this sensitive problem. I am an elephant trapped in a county circus where I get led in circles around and around. I am asked to put my feet up on stools and balance for a living (it pays peanuts). How can I break away from this dead end job and lose some weight?
Elephant Man
Dear Elephant Man,
Stop eating your pay!! And run don’t walk. When you balance on the stool….tuck your tummy in and hold for the count of 10. This ought to kill the monotony.
Getting Some for Free
Dear Margo,
I am tired of working for free. It seems that everyone wants me to do something for them but they don’t want to pay me what I am worth. How do I say no?
Not Getting Any
Dear Not Getting Any,
Tell me what you are good at. I have a charity I would like you to volunteer for! I won’t pay you a thing but I promise to “get you some”…I know inmates!
Toothless in Seattle
Dear Margo,
I am very tired of having my teeth knocked out of my mouth while having sex. My dentures can’t take the pressure…..and neither can I. What can I do to keep my teeth intact?
Toothless in Seattle
Dear Toothless in Seattle,
I heard about you S&M people. I think it’s sick and vicious to punch your lover in the mouth while having sex, but to each his own. Either get rid of your lover or “grin and bare it.”
Both Want a Big Mac
Dear Margo,
I love to cook, but whenever I try to make my husband a gourmet meal he criticizes my culinary skills and says if he had his way he would have HAD McDonalds. While others seem to appreciate my cooking….my husband does not. It’s very discouraging and I am losing my one big love…. creating in the kitchen. I hate to stop the one thing that brings me such pleasure, but I hate to be criticized after an hour of preparing what I believe was a wonderful meal. What can I do?
McDonalds or Gourmet?
Dear McDonalds or Gourmet,
Tell him you would have rather HAD a “BIG MACK” too, but you don’t complain to him EVERY time he fails to please you. That ought to shut him up for a while.
Men are from Mars ……..Women Have to Bring Them Back Down
Dear Margo,
I met this woman online who is quite remarkable. I think she is witty, charming and beautiful. However, she seems overly anxious and in a hurry to get married. This makes me nervous. Why do all the beautiful, witty, intelligent women want to get married? I am confused?
Single and Scared in Virginia
Dear Single and Scared in Virginia,
All women want to marry YOU. Yes, all beautiful, witty, charming intelligent women want YOU. There are no others and YOU are the only one. Clearly it’s all about YOU. You should know that with all the men in the whole entire universe, YOU are the one she wants. Haven’t YOU figured it out yet? EVERY WOMAN knows the sure fire way to make a man run is say…..MARRIAGE. It’s the ones who never mention it that YOU should run from. They are the ones that are after YOU!!!! Men are so stupid….I mean, I hope that helped.
Stupid and Smelly
Dear Margo,
I am looking for a loving relationship but I always come up empty handed. My friends say I am stupid and I stink. I think they are jealous because I am too smart and smell too good . I don’t know who to believe, them or me. Who should I Believe?
Smelly or Smart
Dear Smelly or Smart,
You must be stupid. What kind of person wants friends who like stupid smelly people? Get Rid of your friends.
“Must See TV”
Dear Margo,
I think the Winter Olympics are great and all, but I don’t like HAVING to watch them. Normally I watch my favorite TV shows on Thursday nights. I just don’t understand why they can’t put the Olympics on a channel that is not usually watched…..like public TV. I want more choices in my viewing selection too, but I resent my favorite shows getting the back seat. What can I do about it?
Must See TV
Dear Must See TV,
Ummm…I think that NBC is making a big mistake. After all….the Winter Olympics only come around ever 4 years. BUT their TV viewing audience for “Must See TV” is every week. Personally, I do NOT understand why they can’t just add a channel or air it instead of one of those stupid infomercials they keep pushing. Besides who would buy those stupid electronic abs crunchier thingies anyway. They don’t work! They just shock you! And it’s distracting…. I heard.
Frumpy and Fat
Dear Margo,
My wife always dresses frumpy around the house and I have bought sexy lingerie in hopes of her wearing it. She always seems grateful for it, but never wears what I get her. When I ask her to put it on she says….not now maybe later. This has been the story of her life! What can I do to get an immediate response?
Needing Victoria’s Secret
Dear Needing Victoria’s Secret,
Maybe your wife thinks you’re a fat pig and doesn’t want to prance around looking sexy for fear you may want to jump her bones and she can’t stand the thought of that and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. I don’t know for sure, but it is just a thought I had….I hope it helps.
Complaining Neighbors
Dear Margo,
I have a dog that barks all day long while I am at work. The neighbors are complaining to me daily. I have been told I have to put an end to it. What can I do?
Complaining
Dear Complaining,
That is a tough one because neighbors usually do not want to move upon request…I’ve tried it I know. AND asking them to stop complaining doesn’t seem to work either. Some times just the threat is good enough to shut them up. Do you own a shot gun? If not….get yourself a gun and tell them you don’t plan on using it….but if you have to you will. That should take care of the problem. If they keep complaining…..call the police.
Refuse
Dear Margo,
I have a male friend who is an insensitive jerk and he doesn’t seem to care that certain people are using him for his money! I tried to warn him but he doesn’t care and he is always thinking everyone else is rude when in truth he is the rudest of them all. Should I be his friend or dump him?
Dumping?
Dear Dumping,
Before you dump him see if he would consider donating to a very worthy cause. I have the perfect charity!
Bad Habit?
Dear Margo,
I have a serious problem. About a month ago I tried to “kick the habit” and I just couldn’t do it. I am very concerned because I want to live and not die. I have asked God for help but I don’t think he heard me. What should I do?
Bad Habit
Dear Bad Habit,
…ARE YOU FREAKIN NUTS! Do you really think God is going to help you kick one of His own people! Why not go kick some low life idiot like yourself and leave the nuns alone! JERK.
Real Job
Dear Margo,
I have a friend who is a professional Mistress. She tells people what to do for money and she is very cruel to them. I can’t believe that she gets paid to be so bossy and humiliate people like that! How can I tell her what she is doing is wrong?
Want Her to Stop
Dear Want Her to Stop,
Tell your friend to get a real job. Maybe I can help out. I am looking for someone to come clean my house. See if she is interested, but let her know she will have to do it standing on her head wearing diapers and crying like a baby. I hate foot prints on my floors and I don’t want her to have an accident when I whack her if she goes to slow!
Feeding Times
Dear Margo,
I am very over weight and the Doctors say that its life or death if I don’t lose weight now. BUT I can’t stop eating. Help me.
Fat and Scared
Dear Fat and Scared,
I know…why not put tape on your mouth and handcuff your hands behind your back. When it’s time to eat….maybe someone will come feed you. I just heard of a girl who is looking for a new job. I said she could clean my house, but it sounds like you need her more then me. I will send her your way. She has worked with people in hand cuffs before. I think she can help.